without you...

every night since you left
i cry myself to sleep
tears stinging my eyes
hurt lynching at my soul

i still remember so vivid
that fateful day of ours
i came home early,to savor
anniversary memories with you..

i waited with all smiles
cake baked in my love
and flowers all around
waiting...waiting..waiting...

time flicked by,i tried to be calm
yet deep within,i felt so uneasy
you had never been so late before
and promises,you would never forget

dawn cracked,yet you werent here
hysterical i tried to call you
a female voice,startled my skin
i asked for you,you did come on line

no sorry,no guilt,no pain
just an explanation as to part ways
i never saw this coming,ever
it shook the world around...

pain that tore at my heart
tears that strolled down my face
voices of you and her,giggling away
i felt my world to come to a standstil

time since then has moved on,
yet at a snail's pace,i am
for every bell,every ring,
my heart leaps for your return...

i know its never to be
yet i cry myself away
for i've forgotten how it is
to live without you by my side...

as i lie down on this bed
i can hear our whisphers of love
and my soul wrenches in despair
teary eyes and a heart of love,waiting...

everywhere i turn to go,
i just hear footsteps of yours
and i turn to look back in hope
and i see only emptiness ahead...

come back to me,my love
i've loved you like none
you've been a part of me
and now i am lost..so lost..without you..

Ocean of love...

ocean in her eyes
so vast as the skies
images fixed in them
like no other gem!

i longed ever so much
my first ever feeling such
to take her in my arms
and show her all the charms!

smiles playing over her lips
the gentle curve of her hips
beauty at its best
my lady of the west!

as i look at you across the bay
i just know its the time to say:
jump into the ocean of my love,
just dont ask me how...

i promise to kiss away your pain
with all the love i can ever rain
just hold me deep in your soul
and our love would seem so whole!

A love of many decades...

sitting across eachother,
i look into your eyes
so deep,
it sucks me deep within.
a kaleidoscope,
of young fond memories.
you and me,
the old times so fresh,
etched in our hearts,
the very first glimpse,
when i came to your house.
shy! i were then,
sweat breaking,
hands shaking,
words stammering,
i tried to smile,
and you looked away...

i felt a pang,
yet i saw,
the twinkle in your eyes
the crimson,
of your blushing cheeks
the slender hands,
seemed to fidget in worry
i smiled onto you,
and this time you did smile
a naive smile,
that said a million stories
my heart leapt in joy
as i walked away from you,
imprints of yours buried in me..

time was at a lag
i spent every night
waiting for a new dawn,
every day i tried to live
in fondest of your dreams
and then came our day,
the reds and golds shimmering
a graceful charm and all glory
you seemed like a goddess
with a glow as never before...
we took our vows for life,
a lifetime of being there,
a promise to grow old together,
and now i realise the glow
it still remains wherever you go
the glow of our love
the love that has strengthened
over the golden decades we've loved...

Dead ends... (end of college days)

as i take in the beauty
of our very own college
for the one last time ever
i cant help but feel a pain
a lump in my throat
tears stinging my eyes
smiles faltering as never
i never knew i'd feel so...

i still remember so vivid
the very first day of mine
i stepped across the gates
to enter this wonderland of ours
tension brimming in myself
the many stares so cold and new
the seniors crowding around
little acts of ragging i endured...

the long corridors and walls
witnessing my little crushes
the classes i've bunked so often
the canteens i seemed to haunt
a part of me had bragged of leaving
to get over with the boring studies
and walk away form it all,to leave,
the dreaded college someday soon...

but now as i am done with my course
i cant but convince myself
that the four long years of my life
i've spent in here,seems like seconds
the dearest of friends i have made
the many aquaintances of mine
i have to let go of them all now
with just hopes to remain in touch...

i feel the pain in my soul
hopes and dreams are afresh
to go on and win the world
yet i feel a void so deep
as if i have lost a part of me
words fail me the very first time
as i look into the many teary eyes
everyone seems struck by a nostalgic wave...

i cant stay, i need to walk away
a heart full of memories to cherish
a soul laden with bitter-sweet memories,
memories of a lifetime,of fun and frolic,
fights and tussles,love and friendship...
now,as i walk away today
i know my footprints are fixed here
for a part of my soul would always be here...

On the horse back...

"hop on",
i heard the words

smiling,
i looked back at him

we shared,
our toothless grin

smiles,
that touched hearts

glad,
to be invited by him

horse,
and a ride so new

i wished,
to jump in for a ride

nudge,i did,
at my mother's side

flashing,
my toothless smile

and eyes,
pleading in innocence

melting hearts,
my charming fortray

yet again,
i ran in sheer joy

"come along,
little one" he uttered

helping me
to sit beside,all proud

waving,
towards the many in glee

caressing,
the horse on his mane

a rush,
of joy i felt anew

"ah! my dear
thats the feel of love

everyday
i ride on my li'll horse

a love
so dear,unfathomable for many

ah! now you know
what it feels to be me"

words,
pouring from the old man's soul

i felt,
so true,to be on top of the world

masters,
of the world,me n him

and,
our toothless grin!

long road...

dark was the night
no moon to smile upon
in glee..
cold was the night
yet no breeze to hug
in glee..
tired and wary
i walked on,a heart laden
with hope..
untrodden paths
and the many marvels
i longed..
to be a part of it all
i wished to walk away
from life
to eternity? i ask myself
no answers ever,
just mystery smiles down
curve of the lips
am amazed
how could i smile when i cry?
walkin along the long road
i smiled and wept
new journey begins now
as i try to comprehend the previous
well,maybe i need to know
a long walk
a turn around at every corner
is not life
i need to take a risk
and walk on...
..to the unknown!

At lucifer's time...

footsteps chiming in the air
the eerie silence of the night
broken by sounds so soft
the gentle heave of their breath

the night had turned murky
the winds raging on,fierce
blowing away the dried up leaves
to uncover you, your grave

a beautiful white rose in hand
walking towards the stony shrine
silence seemed so strained
tears choking words of pain...

standing near the deepest vault
offering the tender flowers
hoping you could get a whiff
of their tender love and care...

a part of their soul
once the light of their lives
yet now within a blink
you are gone, to some faraway land...

looking down your grave
holding hands,tears running down
pain lynching at their souls
they prayed harder than ever:

"our little cherub,taken away
we do not blame thy in any way
maybe for a reason so strong
yet can't thy take us along"

a prayer so heartfelt thee did hear
rains raged on,night turned coal black
the storm struck hard,
yet they held on,deep in prayer

the raging winds marred at their face
raindrops cleansing away the fears
the darkness offering them a cloak
they waited..waited for a miracle...

the skies roared in despair
"there is still time for you to go,
go on to the safest of resorts"
yet steadyfast they waited..along the vault...

"thunder rains, winds of havoc
the sands blown off the ground,no calm
holding hands, eyes closed in prayer
and then it struck, a blindening light...

lightening so bright,flashing on
they fell back on the vault
consumed by the lightening stroke
together, family, once again...

the rains lashed on as if no end
yet calmer a shower,as if to cleanse the err,
the moon came out to look down, in marvel
they shone in a halo,a love so strong...

the church bells chimed three dongs
ah!lucifer's time, it did strike
yet love prevailed,three souls bound by love
a love so pure,even lucifer got delayed...

a road to heaven..or is it hell?

soft silver linings,all so shining
flowers so bright,pearls of beauty
satins all languid,white and so snowy
beauty in all its grandeur..heaven indeed!

li'll angels with eyes all so pure
wings of gold, harps in their hands
music of love, notes of euphoria
everything so flawless,yet i am so lost..

life had been so austere for us
the world spat upon us,our true love
so what if we followed different faiths
our love was beyond any asperity...

yet we had to run away in travail
none to hold onto,just eachother for us
hoping,praying,for a domicile land
but our dreams were quelched...

how oblivious could the world be
to not see the love in our eyes
to not hear our cries of anguish
all we asked was to let us live...

religion speaks to unite,not divide
to love our brother,not hate
to help our neighbour,not hurt
to save and not lead to death..

i still remember the ominous day
me and her,tears in our eyes
over the cliff so high we stood
holding hands,we lunged...into eternity...

i'd hoped all our pains were done with
together we'd be in the abode of thee
but now as i look around i see it all,
but i feel so desolate,for she is not here...

bruised,i feel my soul weep
agony as i have never dreamt possible
life had been so vexacious to us
and now heaven seems a dungeon to me...

am now locked away with all pleasures
prisoner in a land of marvel and mirth
i wish she'd be sound somewhere,yet i know
she'd be bleeding in her soul, just as i am...

maybe we were never meant to be together,
not on earth, nor in heaven...
a road to heaven, together we embarked upon
alone i reach my hell,and you stay back in yours...

Captain's Lady...

In a trance,
I stand at the doorsteps.

So dazed,
Time seems so standstill.

Suffocation,
I feel it choking me.

Faraway,
I feel your silhouette slur.

Tears,
Stinging my eyes.

Memories,
Clouding my mind.

Hurt,
Ripping me apart.

Turning back,
I walk as if to nowhere.

I wish,
To go back the time turner.

You,
Smiling along with me.

Hand in hand,
Walking in the rains.

The days,
When you were in my arms.

The nights,
We read under the blankets.

The fights,
Our pillows had to endure.

I wish,
You didn't have to go, so soon.

Picture-perfect,
I envisaged our life to be.

Alas!
I keep forgetting your duty.

The nation's pride,
Which you fought to protect.

Longest nights,
In the deepest of deserts.

Grenades and shots,
You strive to overcome.

Crawling to safety,
I know the pains of the soldiers.

Yet I wish,
You didn't have to go away.

Duty first,
I do remember your words.

I didn't know,
If I could ever fathom the feel.

Hollow words,
Of accepting your dutiful self.

How I wish,
I could chain you to me.

But I know,
I have loved you true.

Your dreams,
Matter more than the stars to me.

You wanted to go,
And fight for our nation, in pride.

A salute,
And with smiles, I let go of you.

Tears in my soul,
Like a drop of oil, burning itself.

A captain's lady,
I wish to be, as strong as ever.

I can endure,
Every stab, every pain, for you.

Fulfilled,
That is how I long to see you.

Knowing you,
I know the feel, you get in the field.

Looking at me,
You'll never know my silent grieves.

No tears,
To show, when you go.

Welling,
To burst, only when you turn, away.

Strong as ever,
I know, when to cry, and when not to.

For, am a captain's lady,
Heart and soul, every inch to the core!

unspoken words

 tiny star,i see
all so bright and new
shining on me,
from far across...

smiles,i flash
in profound glee
as i dwell upon
memories of yours...

as the nightly breeze
sways itself around
locks of my golden hair
blowing all over...

i look upon in awe
at the velvetty darkness
amidst a zillion stars
i find you,my lone star...

looking deep into you,
i can feel your smiles
the warmth of your love
the hypnotizing gaze of yours...

i long to have you near
to feel your arms around,
and i just wanna be with you
for i miss you so...

deep across the oceans,
sailing in vigour
i see you ever so fresh
in every wave of the sea...

and now as i lay back
gazing across the horizons
i long to see you smile,
in fondest of memories of ours...

and i wish you'd see me
from across your mast
sharing unspoken words of love..
you and me,the seas and our lone star!

i need you so...

i need to let go
my mind rambled at me
yes!i shall let go
i wished to assure myself

i dunno why
i feel so lost,
barren...

why do i feel so vacuous
by the mere thought
of letting you go..away

i havent known you,
for long..
i wonder why it haunts me so?

i am obscured as never before
and i need to calm my nerves
and think..
can i rely on my instinct too stark?

i havent set my eyes on you,
yet i feel so sure,
i know you so..

i know it when you smile so fresh
i can feel the warmth in your soul
i can feel the anguish in you,
when i seem to be aloof from you..

i know the feel of deepest love
i know your haunting fear
of scaring me away,with your love...

knowing me, reading my mind,
you have opened new vistas in me
i just need to see it through..

you have been so dear to me
yet i feel so choked in fear
how do i convince my philophobic self
i need to let go of my fears...

but dunno why i still cant accede
that deep down in me,
i need you so...
i need you so...

Ah! Heaven!

The stars above, twinkling so bright,
The snowy satin spreads and candles lit,
The music of love dancing around in glee,
I felt a rush of joy when I felt you near
This night was yours, and mine,our first-
Magical, I felt it shine...

Sipping the Irish red wine,
I longed to lock eyes with you,
I felt a warmth spread through,
I found many a dreams anew;
Losing myself in you,
I wanted to be just with you...

The tender touch of yours,
I could feel a joy, so sudden,
That my breath got short.
You smiled right into myself,
And I knew for sure,
You and me; meant to be...

Your intense gaze, I felt so dazed,
I didn't know; i felt hypnotized,
"Come to me" the breeze whispered,
I wasn't even sure, you uttered those words.
I came to you, you held me close,
So close, that our hearts grazed...

I felt myself melt, in your touch,
Your breath onto my skin,
I felt myself tremble in your arms,
My heartbeats so fast, beating onto you,
You sensed my conflicting soul, true as ever,
Holding me close, I felt your love for me...

Looking into those eyes, I felt so safe,
I felt your face come down so close,
I just dunno why, I closed my eyes,
I felt my lips tremble against you,
And then, I felt your lips touch mine,
A kiss so tender, it took my breath away...

I peered into your deep set eyes,
I saw them anxious, hunting for an answer.
I felt a love so amazing, seep through me,
"Yes, my love" I whispered, into your ears,
And your lips closed over mine, in reply.
"Ah! heaven!" was all I could think of...!

cancer...

floating through the sunny days
i wish i had known it then
in the haste to rule the world
i'd never really gven myself a chance

in my race to be the business tycoon
parties and mergers were the pick
drinks and drinks, every night
an occassional fag to calm my nerves

little did i know it then
someone slowly creeping into myself
darkest of hands lynching over me
crawling into me,expanding its horizons

the toxin seeping through my viens
the rapid possession of my senses
i knew not my life was at stake
i was still stuck to my old deeds

never heeded to my love's concerns
i just knew i had it all,for sure
and i believed life is long and secure
how blinded i had been then,now i realize

as i lay back on the hospital bed
i can turn to see dreary eyes
the IV fluid running into me
catheters bruising me,my soul

i cant but tolerate the pains
hurting me, gently destroying me
"cyclophosphamide"the doctors say
and i hope it does its due

i find it so hard to focus
my speech too is so blurred
i've known this state before too
but those were my drunken nights

now i wish i hadnt been so blind
ignorant a soul,i truely were
and i never ever saw me here
cancer seeping through me,killing me

and now i wish i could redo things
i long to go back to my good old days
i wish to take life as a boon
and to live each day,mercy from thee..

guilt pangs!

agony! self proclaimed?
guilt stabs
accusatory glares
i felt it hard
the pain wouldn't ebb
deplorable i stood
visions blurred
in an overtone of tears
a momentary error
and here i am
crucified in my own eyes
bereaved a soul
the toxic guilt
seeping though me
the hurt etched onto my heart
and i am now
a prisoner in my own soul
locked away to oblivion
lost away to the sinister world!

just lemme live...!

momma...momma
i wish to call out
for i can feel you sad
i feel the pains in your soul
and i cant help feel the pain
am i the reason for your tears?

i havent seen you momma
i've just known you,felt you...
and i know you are beautiful
i know it so,for i have a picture
of an angel so pure,in my mind
wish i could see you soon!

i still remember so vivid
the day my GOD blessed me true
to be a seed in your womb
and i was there, all young and new
i found it queer,so warm and cozy
soft a heaven for me to dwell!

i strained to try to let you know
that i'm here,do look at me
but alas! you were still oblivious
i wished to spring upon you
and hold onto you so tender
yet i was stuck..so stuck within...

and the wait was on,for you to know
days passed by and you did realise
i was all so excited to know
i wanted to feel your love for me
i hoped you'd smile in glee
and hold me close to your heart!

i hoped papa would cry
tears of joy in having found me!
bundles of hopes in me so young
i tried to look as best as i could
alas!i did hear you cry
but not in glee,deepest of sorrows...

i felt a pang of disappointment
so strong ,that it hurt me so
i had longed for you to smile
knowing me..feeling me...in you
but now i know,am not a welcome gift
am a burden you wish to spare...

i wish i could fathom why
you hate me so...
you havent set your eyes on me ever
you havent held me in your arms
i havent kicked or hurt you momma
i've tried to behave my best!

momma,i love you so
just gimme one chance to be yours
wait till you see me,is all i ask
dont lemme go..i wanna live
dont choke me...i wanna breath
dont...i just wanna see you momma

now i know it hard and true
i cant cry,for am too young for tears
i wish you'd try me once momma
i promise to be good and true
i wouldnt even hurt you once
i'll be the best of kids,please save me!

alas!i know my end's near
i can feel your heart thump so fast
"momma,are you alright?is all fine?"
i'l pray to my GOD to make you fine
i can feel someone trying to pull me out
maybe its the uncle in his white coat!

"momma...i can see something coming
a curette to scrape away my life
momma..why is it so cold in here now?
why do i feel so dark and sick off the sudden?
mommaa..i feel am choking..to death..
momma..mommaa..please save me...i love you so...

no day like today!

tick tick tick
my clock did strike
eight dongs i did hear

i dint wanna get outta sleep
yet i knew time was up
and i needed to budge

in a rush i got outta bed
zooming through my room
i was on the hunt for my clothes

pacing across the little room
i had a peek into the huge pile
heads spinning i gave up the search

"mom..mom.."i did yell
toothbrush in my hand,i stood
defeated,by the mess i had made

"whats it today?still not ready?
why are you still in your pyjamas?"
blared my mom in deepest of fury

"cut out the screams" i yell at her
"i need my shirt,pressed and blue"
i ordered before slamming the door

quick a shower,faster than your blink
i came in fresh,looking all smug
i found the shirt waiting in gleam

warm and bright,i quipped to myself
standing tall,chest heaving in pride
i practised my gentleman gait

no time for breakfast,no "mornin folks"
i had no time to bid adios or thank mom
my gold was to srike,it was my day

i reached the car,drove off in style
parking amidst the many young friends
sunglasses shining and my smile all flashy

i opened the doors of my car to get out
"hiyya babes,lets hit the floors"
i rammed in an accent so fake

laughter struck all across,i found it queer
turning around i found no amusing sight
and then i noticed the stares down my torso

"holy crap! i have done it again..damn"
in the drive to be the stud of all
i'd forgotten to zip my trousers..sheesh!

a sheepish a grin was all i could manage
i turned back in a rush and drove away,
"no day like today..."was all i could think!

Game of life!

life is often a mystery game
and we just need to play.
along the tides we move
yet get thrown off at times
may the gale take us forth
and aid us in getting there
may the sunbeam be ours
to guide us all through
may darkness be ours
to embrace away all fears
let hurdles be at a high
we can still get through
for all we need is some hope
a dream in our eyes,so true
a hand to hold on to,in glee
and life is no longer hard
its a game to win all way through!