Insane Musings

After a while,

I gulp down my uncertainties
To wield my quill, and strike a note.
Yes, strike a tune it does -
My muse always does sing out a scream
And choke me down, often.
Yet, born out of my soul, I cradle
the monster; holding it in.
I fear for its existence,
Lest you want harm to befall
And celebrate the joy of a demise.

Maternal empathy longs to shout
And attack, to protect a sliver of my genes
But, every time I try to cuddle close
I find myself bitten hard.
A bleeding vaporous pain engulfs
And I hear shrieks of I-warned-you.
Yet, I cradle my tears
And kiss my muse soft,
Hoping it would quit resisting me
Praying you could decipher
Its thoughts, like I do,
And not tear its limbs apart
Screaming of insanity.

Oh, my muse, my insane muse.
I fear its plight,
And once again I strangulate it
In the prison of my soul-
And wipe the parchment blank.

So Long...!!

Its been quite a while that I've been thinking of doing this - A Final Note, a Goodbye. I have reached a stage of life where I have lost the inspiration to write or read or do anything related to it. I have joined for my masters. And I want to make the best use of the opportunity. And since most of the networking and blogging sites are blocked at college, I wouldn't be frequent in this space anymore, I guess. I am sad, for losing touch with people who have been a part and parcel of my life, all through the past 2-3 years. Also it makes me sad that I am not the same person I used to be, too. I don't miss anything by not writing. I don't miss anything by not reading. I don't miss anything of this space today. I don't want to forget anyone from this virtual world. And I don't want to remember anyone from this world too. Guess I need to come into terms with this whole goodbye scenario! Well, I feel that its one of the good things. Makes one realize how attached one has been to someone or something :)

I would like to thank each and everyone of you. Your comments have always been a constant encouragement for me to pen down my thoughts! Thank you, once again. Over and over again. Maybe I'll be back, maybe I won't. Either ways, I'd be happy. And I know, I'd fade away (or already must have) into the backdrop of some faint memory of your life, the virtual realm of it; to be wiped off, with time. But am glad, I have been there, be it for a mere moment! That's what makes living all this worthwhile :) Love to everyone! Prayers, always :) God bless!!

Don't want to sign off with a Goodbye. So let me say So Long...Until we meet again!! :)

Orison

During the period of ache
When the Trust falters,
Things turn Grey,
And there is bitterness profound,
Anger fumes its way unto oneself,
Charring all the Hope,
And every ounce of Faith.
Yet, You patiently ever so wait
Just until I've crossed the bridge
And as I acknowledge a faint note of relief
Your aura vaporizes
Into the untouched skin of consciousness.
And, wiped off, once again,
You bury thy self,
Deep.

Why do I turn to You in pain?
And why do You come to me,
Always, and forever?

Silent Regret

The pinprick of that pain
Has left its trace.

Unheeded-
I'd hoped, it would fade away
Unto the realm
Of a painless existence,
Adorned, in a backdrop
Of fresh hues
Of life.

But, I now know,
It'd never be.
Priceless nostalgia now asks its price
And scruples drench
In the ink of silent regrets.

Today, as I wipe away thy name,
From the tapestry of my life's worth,
I feel the bland taste
Churning my insides
And I twinge,
In a muted agony.

It matters not, that I am hurt.
All that matters now,
Is that, I never did matter to thee.

I wish I could smile, still -
For all those fond memories.
But tainted, it lies -
Like a bundle of unwoven dreams.

Dollop of Dreams

Gathered a dollop of your dreams
I did, without letting you know-
Not that you'd notice.
In the crowded lane of life's worth
I always adorned a tainted shade
Merging in, with the backdrop
Of a blemished sepia tone.

The dreams splurged in glee
Rooting for you,
And ever so gentle, I fondled
The woollen softness, of you.
Never did you notice your pensieve light
And those bubbling effervescences
Mattered not.

I whispered to the wingless dreams
To float and glide.
And breath in, I did
My futile love song-
In faith that you'd be kept safe,
And knowing it true,
You'd never even notice it so.

Those Birds...

As the drops of heaven
Glistened
In moist splendour,
Off her sensous lips curved,
Dripping-

He felt those birds fly off,
Disturbing.

The dimness of the night
Betrayed nothing of him
As he whispered to the calm
The downtroddn melody
Of a hallucination-

Damn those birds,
He muttered.

Blinded by the lightening flash
of her smile,
He nudged in, closer.
Her lips drew him in,
surrendering to the feel
of passion.

Those birds! Ouch! Let go Let go,
He cried out.

Dribbled fresh, her blood fresh.
Her eyes wide in shocked horror,
And she moved away.
He held her wrist tight,
Pulling her into an embrace.

Those birds again, he yelped in agony,
And he writhed, in seizured pain.

Pulling herself up, she moved out
Far and away-
Turning back no more.
As he succumbed to the attack
Of those birds,
Ferocious-

The birds of guilt,
Of fear,
Of himself,
And-

The other her.

Spite

The snake sneaked in
Shuddering
A silken sigh.
I felt the vomit
Urging its way out
And I tried not to
Let it run amok
In a frenzied charm.

The endless pangs
Of venom
Rioted in me;
As I saw your shadow
Fade away
Once again,
And all I knew-
I wanted to sting.

The hatred thrill
Drowned the plastic smiles
Of everyday;
And the need to hit
Grew louder, wrenching,
Almost like a bleating goat.
And I tried to stiffle
My own scream.

The betrayed soul
Longing to avenge itself.
Betrothed to destroy
I live, ever alert.
Hoping that maybe,
The shadow
Would materialise
Out of nowhere.

And with not a drop of toxin,
But mere spite-
Venomous spite,
I'd find you wither,
And falter,
Breathing your last.
And then,
I shall find my smile.

SongBird

O' song bird of mine
Sing me a nascent tune today.
Let me dance and swirl along
Like a wisp of the hanging orb
Dripping into you.

In the dainty desert solitude
I sculpt a dream dune
Of passion, buried.
In the heat of the moment,
I scoop a handful of sand
So gleaming gold.

As the loneliness screeches
A shrill note,
I block my ears, lest I rupture
My eardrums, and remain deaf
To your symphony.

O' song bird of mine
I hear your muted sonnets
Rustling.
As I awaken myself to your melody
I find the sand slipping away,
And I hear nothin, no more.

I wonder,
Would you sing to me,
Once again?

My Futile Tune...!

I shall whisper to the winds
All about those times
When I longingly waited for you.
Day after day, I waited
Whispering a futile tune.
(You never came,
But, matter not, it does- now.)

I shall rinse the rains with my soul
As I often did.
The rain always did taste salty,
Or was it just me?
The tears never welled
Nor did it pour out from my heart.
(You never understood,
Not that it matters- now.)

The mahagony tree shall grow old
Ebbing the weakened pulse
Of mine.
I wish I knew the tree song
To sing out loud
To you- a lullaby soft.
(You never listened,
And, nothing matters- now.)

I often stay back after dusk,
Under the shade,
And I whisper to the winds,
The lullaby soft-
But, you never would know.
Not even when you feel my tears
Fall upon your skin;
You fathom it to be the lissome rains,
Don't you?
(Not that it matters- now.)

But still, I wish...!

O Chrysalis...!

O Chrysalis, never taint your wingless dreams,yet.
Never laugh out aloud before your voice finds base
And never haste to bloom forth, to be born infirm.

Life could often take away, all that worth of you
And often, most often, you'd gain more than the loss.
Yet, in all uncertainty, I ask-
Why, ache for the phocomelic desires,
Thwarted much before it sprouted wings?
Or, were it antlers?

Oh, mysterious perils and lopsided faith,
Why do I smile, always?

Ah! Tampered Warnings!

O Chrysalis, never drop your veil, out into the open.
Never shed your pupal scars, lest it wipe off your existence,
And no longer hide, when it is already too late.

Life may play peek-a-boo, yet camouflage not.
And do not ever drape the skin of exoticism,
Lest the goodwill hunt turn sour,
And I find you nectar less, shriveled?
Or should I exaggerate
And cry murder, foul?

Oh, defile thoughts and tarnished scruples,
Why do you make me twinge, always?

Ah! Unadulterated Guilt.

Habits

Mirrored pain, dribbled unto you, nay?
From those closed crystal eyes,
Where you hold an expanse
Of unshelterled ache,
Across the ridge of your hook nose
Down to your parched lips,
Chapped and lifeless,
And finally dripping out
Unto my soul,
Cloaked, in a feathery quilt
Of pretenses.

The westerward winds blew hard,
And I clutched at my knight armour
Beneath which, I held safe
Your aching love.
The pins pricked at me,
And I felt the fluid ooze
Out of my windpipe,
Punctured.
Your eyes shut, I never tried to pry open
For, I do not want
A cascade of lavacious heat.

Drop down the cloak,
Or shed the layers-
I try not.
The bare soul might just kill
For, hollow it becomes,
In the absence of the ache
That fills, in sheer love.
If those pins could ease their way out
My love would flow out, draining me
And I'd bleed
In the dearth of fresh pain.
I need your ache,
I sustain in its shadow.

Some habits never die.
And when they do, they kill, nay?

Song of Sweet Vengeance

Washed ashore, I am.

The lathered salty foam
Drapes my soul
Rugged and weary.
I breathe,
Pulling in gulps of air
From your punctured lungs
So full of Mockery.
And I rest
On your sands
Of Faithless Beginnings.

Trust!
I hurt, and I lament.
For, I gave myself up
In faith, In Love-
To be drugged,
And tossed out of life
On a raft less ride
Across the seven seas.

And I can hear the blood
Course through me
And I can feel the Beginning
Of an End.
And I laugh out-

Don't you hear O' Dear,
The Song of Sweet Vengeance?

Washed ashore, I am.

Poetic Percussion!

My Poetry never gushes out
Into the open.
It hides within the casket
Of Salted Sonnets
Spruced up, Savourless.
I prod it not
Lest it sink in deeper.
Nor do I coax it out
In fear.
Oh!
Repetitive Repulsion
Of a Repugnant Repartee,
I do not want to provoke
The words,
Lest they decide to clamour away
Raising the bells,
And forcing out
The air along the windpipe.
Ouch!
Choked Chortles
Of a Chandelier Chimera,
Snuggles into the cocoon
Of Aphrodite desires.
And,
In the dearth of poetry,
I try to find words
To drape into a veil
Of Priceless Pronouncements
Of a Peripatetic Psyche.
Ah!
Poetic Percussion!

Neither here, nor there.

I don't ask you to find me the topaz
Of the oceans worth
Or to bring me the scent
Of my today.
I ask not for the emerald
Of the sailor's trove
Or treasure, buried.
Nor do I ask for the lantern
Of the deck
That shines on,
Brighter than my eyes.
I ask you to come over
And kiss me with the touch
Of love,
And to take me with you
Where ever the winds and waves
Take you.
Don't just leave me
Neither here, nor there.

Laughing Tendrils :)

I'd let my tresses down
On a will of its own,
Hoping, praying
It would fall, into a tendril
Framing the diamond of my face.
Just so that,
You would take notice
And your eyes would return
Over and over again
To capture
That wisp of hair
Falling free.

So then, I could catch you unaware,
Smile my all-knowing smile,
And maybe, flutter my eyelashes,
A bit.
And more than ever,
I'd let you see-
I've known, and I do know.

Yet, now, don't you think
It's time,
For voices to chime in?

Maybe, there is fear, there is hesitation.
Or maybe, you don't really wish to.
I don't want to question you
Or my faith.

So I'd gulp down the doubts
And look into your misty eye.
I'd find that tendril, loose
And gently, I'd tuck it away
Behind my earlobes, just so that
It'd kiss the nape of my neck,
Near that mole, your eyes often wander to.

And, I'd find your smile
Catch at my throat.
And you'd let me see-
You have always known, and you still do.
And it matters not, if it remains unsaid.
For it can never remain unseen.
You see it,
And so do I.

But, the tendril doesn't see it all, nay?
As our eyes acknowledge the unsaid,
It heels a dance on its own;
As though breathless
With our laughter.

Feeling so cold today...

The withered carnations
Break away, from my nimble fingers
Spiraling along with the wind.
I kiss my soul into it,
Breathing in the scent of loss.
And I wave a goodbye,
As the petals rise from the earth,
Carrying with it, moist tears
And silent prayers-

In hope,
That it would find you;
In faith,
That you'd read into it,
And find me.
And know it true,
How so very hard it feels today
Being away.
And realize,
How cold I feel today.

So, I send across to you
My soulful notes-
Just to say
I miss you so.
And amidst this lowly hue
I'm still glad
That I feel this way
Cold, and vulnerable.
For, without you,
I'd never have been this way
Loved, and missed.
(Just the way, you are.)

Of Sharing :)

Not a dollop more of Love
I could bear to have.
Else it would leak and run out
Of my cup.
Overflowing, like an incessant spill
It would take away
With it,
The fondest of our memories.
And we'd be left,
With no fragrant yesterdays.

And no, I don't want it to be so.
I need all my yesterdays-
Some trails show footprints mine,
And some share yours.
And I can retrace all of those
At will,
And smile and weep,
Silent escapades, into us.

I tell you, its not always about us-
At times, its all about me
And at certain hours,
Every needle points at you.
It doesn't scare me. No, it doesn't.
I know-
Togetherness isn't a threat,
And eternity isn't sticking on.
And love isn't a measure
Of wanting, and more of wanting.

So I tell you, I need no filling,
For Love can never fill-
It is like the tide,
That washes over and recedes
And, yet, you know-
It'll be back,
Sooner or later.
For,
There is no shore to Love,
It is an ocean,
Off nowhere
And of everywhere.

And so I need no more of your giving-
I need a little of sharing.
Could you?

My Mistletoe Moment :)

Its not everyday you see the sun rise,
So let today be one of a kind.
Together, we can wait up
To watch the sun peep out at us
And today, we can boo him away
For being late.

Grumpy, the soap operas make me.
Especially those love baked scenes
That melt and swoon,
And always, when I stay back alone,
And off you go, working.
(Just like that one-
Of sunrise and him and her.)

Together. Together. Together.

It rings like a bell,
That none but me can hear.
It is not like there is no together
Anymore, for me.
There would be more, nay?

It is once again, that season
Of pink hearts, and teddy bears.
The season when love blooms in the air
And everyone heel a dance.
Mystical,
The world drapes in reds and whites
And cakes and chocolates,
Satiates, one and all.
All the laughter spread, far and wide,
To reach me,
And get lodged, in my throat-
A memory.

Once again, I sit back with our journal
Shuffling through those memories.
It seems like forever.

"Oh! Not again!" a groan, I heard.

I turned around, to find him at the door,
Tired, and messy-
"A hard day at work, honey?"
I asked, amidst smiles.
"Hmmm...Not as bad as yours, I see."
He teased.

"Ohhh that..."I quipped, pointing to the album,
"Oh, I missed you so much,
It did feel like ages."

He smiled, all-knowing-all-bearing
As held me close, and we shared
An eternity of togetherness,
Wrapped in that Mistletoe Moment.

"Ah! Who needs a Mistletoe to kiss?
Mmmmmm....!!!"





P.S # Mush n Goo... :D Enjoy Valentine's!!! A Kiss from me to all :P

Birth Shades

There are times when I feel beaten
Tired, and vacuous.
The world seem like a prison,
Caging me in.
Why? I have never asked.
For, I know-
There are no answers
To some of the simplest questions,
Of life.

Born of the wrong shade- ah! girl-
Mollycoddled and adored,
Educated and inspired
To win the world, attain the dreams,
Smile to eternity,
Spread joy,
And be all that you want to.
The false promises, of once,
Pricks me, today-
A pain searing, it forces its way
Through me.

You asked me to sketch my life,
In every way I like.
You gave me colours,
And taught me to mix hues,
To create that shade,
Of me.
And now, when I paint myself,
To reflect on the tinged mirrored space,
You ask me to step back,
And drape myself in a cloak
Of pitch black.

Why? I wonder out loud.
Answers none, you offer.
Norms, Society, Tradition-
You murmur incoherent strings of words.
And my voice gets caught,
In the turbulent tide of emotion,
That gurgles it way through my throat.
But, in vain.

Surreal, those yesterdays.
Charred, those dreams, you effused.
Fake, those glittery wings,
You taught to flutter.


Wish I'd understand,
If, this day of chaining my soul, it had to be-
Then, why, o' why
Did you fill me with those myriad colours,
In childhood?

Why those winged turquoise dreams,
When you knew all along,
My birth shade would pull me back,
And, someday, everything would turn sepia??

Answers, I no longer ask for.
All that remains, are questions galore.

Thy Music...!

I'll be back...

Echoes, that pierce
And heal-
Thy Music...!

Nameless, it wades in
Like a tadpole
Shunted of its metamorphosis,
Where the purpose of its being
Is lost to droplets,
Of boiling pain
Entrapped in translucent voids.

Ageless, it blows on,
Leaving behind the leafless pine
On an Autumn dawn.
Vacuous, it bleeds
Of empty woes.
And the yellowing leaves
They frame a lonesome tale.

Aimless, it wanders on a trail of its own
In hope of discovering the you,
That lay obscured,
Caught up in a tuft of cotton
That floats.
That beacon of hope flickers,
Before dying out, like always.

Careless, I toss you away,
In a whirlpool of impotent desires.
In the wake of dawn,
I search you out,
From the hidden depths of my sleep.
And I find the forlorn heart,
That sings out to me, from the horizon-

I'll be back...

Ah! Echoes, that pierce
And heal-
Thy Music...!

Once again, its that time of the year...

Once again, its that time of the year-
Breathless, I watch you leave.
Taking with you,
More than you'd ever know-
A part of me,
The soulful essence, of love.
And I pour out the oil of faith
Into you, to light up your smile.

Once again, its that time of the year-
Your silhouette fades away
Merging with the spiraling dust
Camouflaging you from my sight,
I walk back into what remains of Us-
A frame of sturdy wood,
A dollop of sepia dreams
And an ocean full of love,
In my eyes.

Once again, its that time of the year-
The season of parting, and disguised tears,
The season of bitter sweet yearnings.
A love-
To sustain,
Effuse
And rekindle-
Us.

Once again, its that time of the year-
Where distances shrink away,
Into timeless heartbeats-
Of feeling, of knowing, of awaiting
Entwined destinies-
Ours!

Choices :)

If, and only if I had to choose-
I'd pick you, all over again.
For, choices cease to matter
And options seem non existent,
When the soul knows
Just one longing-
You!

The blue berry song

Verbose, my emotions maul
At each other. A cat fight.
A bright Summer morning
And I take a lonely stroll,
Weighing myself
In my head.
Doing and re-doing,
Spelling and erasing,
I wipe clean my mind,
Once again.

The blue berries wild, I pick
On the way back home
And I remember the baking lesson
That turned wild.
Off the sudden, I nauseate
In the memory of You, painful.
And that guilt,
Of wanting to forget,
Creeps in, once again.

I empty my basket, leaving a trail
Of berries. I implore my thoughts
To merge in with me.
Feeling the load lighten,
I tell myself I am over it;
That, I no longer carry the burden
Of those blue berries,
Or You.

Reaching home, I gulp down
A glass of water.
And I pen down a song-
The blue berry song,
Once again.
And I sign off with a note,
That I'd never go walking by those woods.
Not again.

With a faraway gaze,
I hum the song all to myself.
And I notice not,
The page had turned,
The ink had been of a different hue then,
And the scribble had your strokes of love, wet.
It has always been the blue berry song
For You, and, thus me.

But today, I sing it aloud,
An obituary note
For You, for me.
For Us.

Healing

That warm smile in your eyes
And that tender touch of yours-
They help. And they matter,
Much.

When the earth stops to spin,
And I get sucked up
Into a vortex of despair,
My hands reach out
Almost on its own-
And you never fail me.

I find the strength in you
Seeping up, into me.
Filling up the veins, it gurgles
A note of inspiration.
And, more than ever, it effuses
In me,
A love, unparalleled.

When Hope remains distant,
All I need is to gaze
Into the limpid pools
Of your eyes-
Where you cradle dreams
And burn passions
And the warmth spreads into me,
Always.

Smiling, I rest myself up
On your shoulder.
Hand in hand, we sit,
Sharing our silence
And reveling in Love.

And, I call this 'Healing.'

Sweet Laments

The withered carnations adorned my heart

With a scent of love, lost.

I cradled the dainty delight of a blush

For ages, knowing it is lost,

For once, and forever.

I wish I had stooped a li'll low

And picked those fallen petals up.

But now, all that remain

Are wishes bygone,

And regrets, that bleed fresh.

Perched on the window sill,

A li'll robin sang to me aloud.

My smile faltered as I listened ,entralled.

Mocking bird, are you? I wondered

For, you left me with a half done song.

Broken dreams,

I have come to live with.

And now, dear robin, you have offered me

The lustful longing to hear

Your song to the full, just for once.

Ah! Ironical, my wishes.

For, you are a mere addition to my collection

Of lost dreams and frostbitten joys.

Tucked away beneath the withered petals,

I find you a place in my snow-laden soul

Where you bury the symphony-

Half done.

I wonder, would you ever sing to me again?